ASSEENBYSUSAN

 When Anticipation Becomes the Agony of Waiting 

Or More Lessons to Learn

PART 1, THURSDAY: 

Waiting has always been hard for me. I was a sneaky present looker when I was a kid waiting for Christmas. But the year I knew what all my presents were before Christmas Day, was the last year I peeked. It wasn't fun anymore not to be surprised.

And I've written about waiting for the trips we plan in advance and countdown the days until we leave. That's the good kind of waiting as I pack and repack, read the guide books over and over, and imagine what we're going to see and do. 

But waiting for my cancer treatment to begin has become old and agonizing. Every single thing takes an authorization from my insurance company: before I can have a CT scan or MRI, or meet with the nutritionist, or schedule proactive physical therapy, or receive my chemo meds from an authorized mail order pharmacy. And even then, with all the i's dotted and t's crossed, it seems I still have to wait longer to meet with one more hospital pharmacist to tell me what I already know and to sign a waiver saying I was given the information. 

The confusing part to me is that everything I have read talks about the standard chemo-radiation treatment being a 5-day-a-week protocol, with Saturdays and Sundays being off days. That certainly implies a Monday-Friday schedule of radiation with oral chemo meds. And yet, I'm stymied why my treatment may be put off by a whole week only because I have to meet with the hospital pharmacist who, at the earliest, is available next Tuesday. It's stuff like that that's driving me crazy and causing me stress when one day could make the difference between starting and waiting.

I recognize it's hard for me to give up what little control I have over my cancer. I want it out of my body, and I want to start now!

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"Nevertheless, she persisted." -- Elizabeth Warren

"Know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em." -- Kenny Rogers

PART 2, Friday: 

How things can change in 24 hours . . . when one becomes proactive and self-advocates. 

The Serenity Prayer has served me well throughout my adult life. At first, however,  I understood it to mean stand back and let God or one's higher power take control. But not being particularly religious, it was difficult for me to let everything go and rely on a spiritual entity to take charge. Yet, in time and with life experience, I learned that indeed it takes wisdom to know the difference between turning over control and being proactive and advocating for myself. Especially because I am a woman. (But that's another subject for another time.)

My cancer is what it is. I accept that I am one of the unlucky ones to have it, and I don't question the why or how.. But my treatment is my choice to some extent, and I'm not comfortable leaving it all up to someone else or to a higher power as for the timing. Some things are simply earthly matters and shouldn't require divine intervention. 

The events of Thursday and Friday confirmed that belief. Despite thinking I had all the boxes checked on my treatment BINGO card, there was one more step that had to be taken that no one had told me about until now. I needed to meet with the Cancer Center pharmacist and sign a waiver.  But he was gone by the time I called on Thursday, so I was offered an appointment to meet with him the following Tuesday. I knew that wouldn't cut it and would only delay the start of my treatment by a week. No deal.

So Friday morning I called the Cancer Center at 8:00 sharp only to be told the pharmacist was "unavailable." Nevertheless, I persisted. I explained to the woman on the other end why I was calling and of my concern. Clearly she was a very good listener, because by the time I finished, she said I would be receiving a call back, and maybe several, because she was sending my concern to a number of people. YES! This is the kind of person I want on my team.

Cutting to the chase, I received three calls shortly thereafter. The first was from the chemo nurse to schedule me for Monday morning to start my first and only chemo infusion.The second came from the radiation nurse scheduling me for my first radiation treatment following the chemo, And the third was from the scheduling nurse verifying the first two appointments. 

BING! BANG! BOOM! It was done and all because I didn't give up and I persisted in asking questions. And to the Cancer Center's credit, everyone I spoke with was kind and compassionate and clearly working in my best interest, albeit at my tempo. I held my cards until the right time, and now I feel comfortable folding. 

Only two more days until the real work begins.