Counting Down the Days

I'm naturally an anticipator. I like having something out there to look forward to. This mindset naturally implies that that something is good. Traveling is a perfect example. By nature, the trips we have taken in the last few years required choosing an itinerary and making a deposit months, if not over a year in advance. That makes for a lot of waiting and envisioning and planning and building excitement. It's all good. 

Right now, however, I'm waiting for a totally different reason. With time on my hands and no clear answers from my doctors who I still don't meet for a week, all I can do is read and research. In fact, I've created a manila folder in my brain, labeled it in black Sharpie - Anal Cancer - and am now filling it with information, anecdotes, relevant personal experience, and questions. Lots and lots of questions. And it's not all good.   

I'm also the kind of person who prefers to know the worst case scenario and be pleasantly surprised if I don't experience the same. Two important times in my life I've been told vastly inaccurate versions of what to expect: labor is only mild discomfort; and zero, nada, zilch about the pain after a hemorrhoidectomy. In truth, both hurt like hell, the latter surgery being even worse than childbirth. And so in my research about anal cancer -- its treatment, the side effects, and personal anecdotes by others -- I want to hear it all.  Some of it scares the sh*t out of me, which is an intended pun since that is precisely the painful problem that those with anal cancer must suffer through. Not a single person downplays that reality, yet many give me hope saying it's doable with the help of creams, bidets, sitzbaths, and pain meds. I've duly noted it all, even with links to Amazon for specific products.

To be honest, since my diagnosis I have been suffering from anxiety, being worried about the worst that could happen. Several people have suggested laying off the research, but that's just not me. So I'm now on anti-anxiety meds, taken as needed, which now that I have them, I've only taken two. I know my anxiety is situational, trying to deal with all of the unknowns during this waiting period, so in that respect it's short-lived. 

For now, I'll while away the days hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.